On privacy and pain: when you don’t know what to write

On privacy and pain: when you don’t know what to write

woman sunsetThey say, “Write what you know.”

But … what if what you know is too painful, too difficult, too private to write about?

Maybe they’d say that I should write it all down in a personal journal rather than in a public forum. And maybe they’d be right. Just keep expressing, keep trying, keep moving forward.

That’s not my story, though. When life got too difficult, too painful, too messy, I wouldn’t write anything. Not a darn thing. Well, maybe one or two things, but nothing that required me to dig in and peel back the fragile layers of my life and possibly bleed all over the poor soul who happened upon my words.

I admit: I’ve been holding out on you.

It’s sometimes a confusing tightrope to walk, this life of imperfect faith and so-called public platform. I strive to be “real” and “authentic” and “genuine,” with as little difference between how I am behind closed doors and when they’re open. But I also am a flawed human being, tied by sacrament and faith and birth to other flawed human beings. Respect for my dignity and theirs (and yours) means that, sometimes, I write around the things that are breaking my heart rather than fliging the thin veil aside for everyone to see.

The last thing I want this space to be is one where, in my brokenness, I damage relationships and possibly my heart and maybe even your heart as well. I have always, always intended this to be a place of encouragement and redemption.

And so I wait. I wait for it to stop being so painful and difficult. I wait for the sunshine to appear, burning off the months and months of frozen cold and dreary damp in my soul.

I wait for the redeeming wounds of the resurrected Christ to bind and heal my own tender wounds.

Because if there is one thing I can write with any semblance of authority and certainty today, it is that God is not finished with me yet. I know that He is guiding this healing, this transforming, this becoming.

I believe that my story–where Jesus Christ alone is glorified through every detail of my wild and blessed life–is being written, even if I can’t yet see the words.

photo credit: Alex Jones via unsplash 

4 thoughts on “On privacy and pain: when you don’t know what to write

  1. I am exactly where you are and I’ve not written for exactly those reasons.

    Eventually, we will write again, when we recognize the grace and blessings these painful, heartwrenching moments truly are.

    Love and prayers.

    1. Life surely is amazing and messy and wild and horrible, isn’t it?? I do believe that these moments, days, months, and years can and will testify to God’s unfailing love and mercy. Maybe not today, but … someday.

      God bless you, Gina. Keep fighting the good fight of faith!

  2. I’m in the exact same place right now. It’s ebbed and flowed for about a year, but the last six months it’s mostly been “ebb”. So very hard and frustrating!

    1. Gosh! What is going on in the world right now?? So sorry to hear this, Andi. 😔 Maybe we need to ask good ol’ St. Rose of Lima to step in and help some sisters out??

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