On privacy and pain: when you don’t know what to write

On privacy and pain: when you don’t know what to write

woman sunsetThey say, “Write what you know.”

But … what if what you know is too painful, too difficult, too private to write about?

Maybe they’d say that I should write it all down in a personal journal rather than in a public forum. And maybe they’d be right. Just keep expressing, keep trying, keep moving forward.

That’s not my story, though. When life got too difficult, too painful, too messy, I wouldn’t write anything. Not a darn thing. Well, maybe one or two things, but nothing that required me to dig in and peel back the fragile layers of my life and possibly bleed all over the poor soul who happened upon my words.

I admit: I’ve been holding out on you.

It’s sometimes a confusing tightrope to walk, this life of imperfect faith and so-called public platform. I strive to be “real” and “authentic” and “genuine,” with as little difference between how I am behind closed doors and when they’re open. But I also am a flawed human being, tied by sacrament and faith and birth to other flawed human beings. Respect for my dignity and theirs (and yours) means that, sometimes, I write around the things that are breaking my heart rather than fliging the thin veil aside for everyone to see.

The last thing I want this space to be is one where, in my brokenness, I damage relationships and possibly my heart and maybe even your heart as well. I have always, always intended this to be a place of encouragement and redemption.

And so I wait. I wait for it to stop being so painful and difficult. I wait for the sunshine to appear, burning off the months and months of frozen cold and dreary damp in my soul.

I wait for the redeeming wounds of the resurrected Christ to bind and heal my own tender wounds.

Because if there is one thing I can write with any semblance of authority and certainty today, it is that God is not finished with me yet. I know that He is guiding this healing, this transforming, this becoming.

I believe that my story–where Jesus Christ alone is glorified through every detail of my wild and blessed life–is being written, even if I can’t yet see the words.

photo credit: Alex Jones via unsplash 

Share
Logging Off and Kneeling Down

Logging Off and Kneeling Down

911prayer-itIn all my years of voting, I have never once cried about it. I am extraordinarily grateful to live in a country and a time in history where I am allowed – and encouraged – to vote. But I admit I cried when I took up my mail-in ballot earlier this month. I cried for our nation. I cried for my children. I cried because I am just so exhausted by the moral wasteland that is current American politics.

Once I stopped crying, I ate two cookies, even though I wanted to eat 10 cookies, because old habits (emotional eating) die hard.

With sugar from the chocolate chip cookies still surging through my veins, I wiped the tears from my eyes and the crumbs from my mouth and I decided to do the only genuinely constructive thing I felt I could do: I decided to pray.

Please read the full article here.

Image used with permission via Ignitum Today
Share
Oh, my, how time does fly …

Oh, my, how time does fly …

It’s the last day of June. So, what in the world do I have to show for it?

  • The celebration of two beautiful children’s lives via birthday parties on the 13th and the 24th – check/check.
  • Survived hubby’s “extended” trip to Steubenville (almost) completely unscathed. Uh, check.
  • Last cantoring of the year with the St. C’s choir … now, summer off –  ahhhhhhhhh ….. check.
  • Moral and other support provided for Real Catholic Men conference – check.
  • Worked full-time hours away from home for the fourth month in a row – grateful sigh. And check.
  • Praying and praying and praying and praying and praying … well, never checked.
  • Hubby scheduled a job interview with a company across the country. Thank you, Jesus – checkity-check-check-paycheck! (?)
  • Celebrated with our Team and saying good-bye to our chaplain – sniff & check.
  • Realized that there is so much in life that cannot be expressed

in a quick bullet list and

checked off.

Thanks

be

to

God.

Share